citius, altius, fortius!
I've been thinking a lot lately these days. It's more of a reflection, actually. I don't know if the weather's simply affecting the thoughts circling around up there inside my head. Or if almost doing nothing pushes me to just think. And sometimes, even though I'd rather not face certain thoughts that disturb me, I have no choice. Even though it's hard, wala nang magawa eh, naisip na ang lahat ng maganda, edi ang hindi masyadong maganda naman diba?
I just realized how few relationships I have made in the past years, even in my 18 whole years of existence. Or if I already made connections, they're just slipping away one by one. Days without any communication would stretch longer and longer, until it reaches the point of oblivion. Both parties would forget the other and only memories would really remain. Only the memories that are left in the heart draws an invisible string that connects us to one another.
Unfortunately, I have this unconscious tendency of pushing people away, not literally of course. I rarely feel comfortable when socializing within a group of people. I don't like the feeling of being in the spotlight that's why I keep my thoughts to myself, as much as possible. But despite this bad habit of mine of being too self-conscious and insecure, I try too hard at relationships. I have this desperate yearning to feel loved and be loved by people whom I've become attached with. I have this fear of losing them, of breaking this connection that have drawn us together. Because of this, I hardly ever reveal myself to them. Even though inside I've been dying continuously to be listened to, to make them see beneath all these layers of masks, I keep my mouth shout. The more I reveal, the more vulnerable I become. Or so it seemed to me.
It is only with one way that a person should act that would truly make him happy. And it is by being true to oneself. But with this fear that I carry, the fear of losing them... I don't allow myself to experience real freedom. By exposing my true self to others, I become a part of them and they become a part of me. And the risk of losing myself heightens. Because by losing them, it seems I will be losing myself. By losing them, a part of them that I have within me will be torn away.
Being lonely and being alone are two different concepts for me. Being alone in a group can be scary to some. But others would not want to experience being lonely even with a group of friends. However, nothing else can break one's heart than being alone and lonely at the same time.
***
Pagpasensiyahan na. Kung nalalabuan kayo sakin, mas nalalabuan ako sa sarili ko. *kamot ulo*
I just realized how few relationships I have made in the past years, even in my 18 whole years of existence. Or if I already made connections, they're just slipping away one by one. Days without any communication would stretch longer and longer, until it reaches the point of oblivion. Both parties would forget the other and only memories would really remain. Only the memories that are left in the heart draws an invisible string that connects us to one another.
Unfortunately, I have this unconscious tendency of pushing people away, not literally of course. I rarely feel comfortable when socializing within a group of people. I don't like the feeling of being in the spotlight that's why I keep my thoughts to myself, as much as possible. But despite this bad habit of mine of being too self-conscious and insecure, I try too hard at relationships. I have this desperate yearning to feel loved and be loved by people whom I've become attached with. I have this fear of losing them, of breaking this connection that have drawn us together. Because of this, I hardly ever reveal myself to them. Even though inside I've been dying continuously to be listened to, to make them see beneath all these layers of masks, I keep my mouth shout. The more I reveal, the more vulnerable I become. Or so it seemed to me.
It is only with one way that a person should act that would truly make him happy. And it is by being true to oneself. But with this fear that I carry, the fear of losing them... I don't allow myself to experience real freedom. By exposing my true self to others, I become a part of them and they become a part of me. And the risk of losing myself heightens. Because by losing them, it seems I will be losing myself. By losing them, a part of them that I have within me will be torn away.
Being lonely and being alone are two different concepts for me. Being alone in a group can be scary to some. But others would not want to experience being lonely even with a group of friends. However, nothing else can break one's heart than being alone and lonely at the same time.
***
Pagpasensiyahan na. Kung nalalabuan kayo sakin, mas nalalabuan ako sa sarili ko. *kamot ulo*
posted by kcorbin at 11:33 PM
2 Comments:
Only the memories that are left in the heart draws an invisible string that connects us to one another.
Unfortunately, I have this unconscious tendency of pushing people away,
True. I agree with the second paragraph as well.
I feel the same way bec. sometimes reaching out doesn't guarantee salvation. We drown and find ourselves in solitude, not realizing that others have been drowning alongside us; waiting for the same hand that should have grabbed right back (at outstretched hands).
Friend, basically I'm saying look around you ;p
oops that's "I agree with the second to the last paragraph as well" pardon me nyahaha
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